Wednesday 29 September 2010
Tuesday 28 September 2010
If I had a time machine I would go back and stab you before you were born
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 2.11pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Fake
Davey Davey Davey. You let the ball slip on this one. Your last article about george from West Virginia calling you a foggot is obviously fake because you are in Adelaide Australia which is 13 hours and 30 minutes ahead of West Virginia. Seeing as you would use your local time in your emails, this would mean George would be awake and writing emails at 5:21am, 8:38am, 11:48pm, and 1:32am unless you have a time machine. The hilarious thing is that you can't post this on your website because it proves you are a fake and why your website is far less humorous than mine.
Scott
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 2.44pm
To: Scott Mintred
Subject: Re: Fake
Dear Scott,
Good to hear from you again. While some might describe your behaviour as obsessive, I prefer to think of you as special. Like one of those children that spins until they vomit or collects Pogs. Despite having nobody to play Pogs with. Thank you for sharing the results of your time zone research. Although I am currently in the US, rendering your blunt point less pointy, I do, coincidentally, own a time machine.
My time machine is shaped like a closet. I discovered its capabilities purely by accident one day when I climbed in, sat there for a bit, and emerged to find myself in the future. Which is almost exactly like the present except a little darker. I was expecting to see robots and flying cars but there weren't any. If I had a flying car, I would fly to your house and say "Look Scott, I have a flying car, I would love to take you for a ride but unfortunately your weight exceeds that of future anti-gravity propulsion technologies." You would probably become irrational with envy and attempt to catch me but due to what leg muscles you have atrophying from too many hours spent on the computer researching world time zones, you wouldn't be able to jump very high and I would hover just a few inches above your sausage-like finger flailing.
While I have not yet been successful in my attempts to travel backwards in time, only forward, if I climb into the closet backwards this will probably work. I plan on traveling back to the year 2009 to see what it was like before continuing my journey back to your grade seven class and explaining to a young Scott Mintred that while his current metabolism may be able to cope with forty Twinkies per day and an exercise routine consisting of breathing and blinking, it is patently going to catch up with him in later life. I will also attempt to explain that time spent on obsessive jealousy is time that would be better spent exploring his own capabilities. I will then give him a slap.
I have attached a drawing of my time machine should you wish to build your own in order to travel back several hours to construct a better argument or several years to take up jogging.
Regards, David.
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 4.27pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Fake
Lolcats5000. Your nonsense and lies prove nothing. I'm easily twice as intelligent as you are, I'm not fat and at least the stories on my website are factual. Should it make for less interesting reading, then so be it. You should do some research on time travel before you make a fool of yourself. To travel through time you need to travel faster than the speed of light. A closet can't move. If I built a time machine I'd do the world a favor and go back in time and stop your mother from reproducing.
Scott
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 5.12pm
To: Scott Mintred
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Fake
Dear Scott,
Your attempt to convince my mother not to procreate would be unsuccessful as I would simply go back a few minutes before you appeared and tell her not to listen to men wearing elastic waistband pants. I would also hide behind a tree until you showed up and give you a slap as you waddled past.
While it would be irresponsible for me to condone your obsessive behaviour, I do understand it. When I was in grade three, I was obsessed with a girl named Emma Jenkins. As neither of us knew cursive, I sought to impress her by tracing several pages of script from an old manuscript and, stating that it was a love letter and I had known cursive since the age of two, presented it to her. That night, Emma's father rang my mother with instructions that I was not to communicate with their seven year old daughter again. Either socially or via letters describing her child bearing hips and round Victorian buttocks. Another time, obsessively jealous of the fact Bradley McPherson had been selected to play the lead role in our fifth grade school play, I constructed a plan to make him ill. Figuring this would automatically give me his role of King of the Faeiries and someone else would take over mine as tree number two, I collected several snot laden tissues from my flu-ridden sister's bedside table and took them to school the next day. With a thin film of the mucus covering my hands, I demonstrated to Bradley the correct procedure for shaking hands before betting him that he could not fit a whole fist in his mouth. Unfortunately, while Bradley was fine the night of the play, I was not. Unable to find a replacement for tree number two and dosed up with half a bottle of Robitussin and several flu tablets, I managed to fullfill my role of standing still with my arms held up for about ten minutes before inexplicably deciding it would be appropriate to sing The Safety Dance by Men Without Hats. Luckily, Emma, dressed as a giant mushroom, broke my fall as I passed out.
Although, going by your argument, you have just emailed me at 2.57am meaning your email must be fabricated, I accept your critical analysis of my design and have attached a modified version incorporating your technical and personal requirements.
Regards, David.
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 5.31pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake
I don't like Wesley jackass and you really aren't the sharpest knife in the drawer are you, if I told your mother not to reproduce you wouldn't exist to go back and talk to her. Coup de grace.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 5.40pm
To: Scott Mintred
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake
Dear Scott,
If you managed to persuade my mother not to procreate, I would not exist to send you the plans for constructing your own time machine in which to travel back in time to persuade my mother not to procreate. Apparently this is known as a pair of ducks. I have no idea why but assume it alludes to the fact that if a duck were capable of constructing a time machine and traveling back in time to meet itself, there would be two of them. One would probably need to wear a hat or something to avoid confusion.
If I did go back in time and meet myself, I would have a good look at the back of my head. If you went back in time and met yourself, you would have someone to play Pogs with.
From: Scott Mintred
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 6.12pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake
I'd go back in time and punch you in the back of your head.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 6.15pm
To: Scott Mintred
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake
Dear Scott,
I would travel back five seconds prior to you doing so and tell myself to duck.
Regards, David.
From: Scott Mintred
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 6.27pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake
I'd just go back 5 seconds before that and punch you in the back of your head before you tell the other you to duck.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 6.34pm
To: Scott Mintred
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake
Dear Scott,
I would travel back five seconds prior to that and tell both my other selves to duck. Perhaps that is where the phrase 'pair of ducks' originated.
Regards, David.
From: Scott Mintred
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 6.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake
It's paradox imbecile, not pair of ducks. For someone who thinks they are smart you are not very smart. My intellect is far superior to yours so it would be simple for me to stay one step ahead of you. Just as I always do. I'd just go back and stab you before you were born or go back to 1998 and register the name google and use some of my billions to pay for a hit on you.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 7.22pm
To: Scott Mintred
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake
Dear Scott,
As no man is an island, regardless of size, it is hardly surprising that the weight of your obsession would require hiring professional help. But, your attempt to purchase the Google name would prove unsuccessful as I would travel back to 1988 and invent the internet, adding a clause that Benny Hill look-a-likes with pathological obsessive jealousy disorders stemming from issues with self-confidence and self-esteem, are not allowed to use it.
This would not only foil your plan to own Google but also save people the misfortune of clicking on your website when googling the word 'beige'. Although encouragement, rather than reprimand, may be the key to persuading a slow child to stop defecating in the bath, there eventually comes a time when you just pull the plug and slap him.
Regards, David.
From: Scott Mintred
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 8.36pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fake
My website isnt beige imbecile. Its a color I invented called Priceless Coral. It looks a lot better than your artsy-fartsy nonsense and is a lot better designed. Learn from someone that knows what they're doing on the internets. Good design is about readability and great content. I'm not interested in continuing this converstation when I have already proven my point so you can fuck off now.
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 13 February 2019 12.03
To: Scott Mintred
Subject: Message from the future.
Dear Scott,
This is David from the future and I am sending you good news. Due to changes in media based stereotypes, spherical is now considered the ideal body type and Pogs is an Olympic sport. Also, priceless coral is the new black.
Regards, David.
From: Scott Mintred
Date: Friday 17 September 2010 9.12pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Message from the future.
I said fuck off imbecile. Don't contact me again and if you post any of my emails you will have a legal suite.
From: Scott Mintred
Date: Thursday 16 September 2010 8.02pm
To: Scott Mintred
Subject: Proof that David's stuff is fake.
Dear Scott,
This is Scott from the past and I am sending you good news. It seems David has let the ball slip. His last article about george from West Virginia calling him a foggot is obviously fake because he is in Adelaide Australia which is 13 hours and 30 minutes ahead of West Virginia. Seeing as he would use his local time in his emails, this would mean George would be awake and writing emails at 5:21am, 8:38am, 11:48pm, and 1:32am unless he too has a time machine. You should email him this fact. The hilarious thing is that he won't be able to post the email on his website because it proves once and for all that he is a fake and why his website is far less humorous than ours.
Also, you are awesome and girls think you are hot.
Scott.
Man blows himself up trying to kill a spider
The man was summoned by his wife to deal with a spider she had seen scuttling behind the lavatory on Bank Holiday Monday. Not being able to reach it, the man decided to kill it by spraying it with the can.
However he was unable to see whether it was dead because the bulb in the bathroom light had blown. At this point he turned to a cigarette lighter to illuminate the room, but in the process ignited the gas fumes and caused an explosion.
The blast was so strong it blew the man off his feet and lifted the loft door off its hinges.
He suffered flash burns to his head, legs and torso and was rushed by ambulance to hospital after dousing himself in cold water.
A spokesman for Essex Fire Service said: "It appears the wife had spotted the creepy crawly in the bathroom and asked her husband to capture it.
"He sprayed it first with an aerosol where it was lurking behind the toilet bowl and when that didn't appear to work, he lit up his lighter to spread some light on the situation as the bathroom bulb had blown.
"There was an almighty explosion which blew the man back into his hallway and lifted the hatch on the loft.
"He did exactly the right thing by jumping into the shower and cooling his burns with cold water while his wife raised the alarm."
Firefighters administered emergency first aid at the scene while waiting for ambulance teams to arrive.
A spokesman added: "We're not entirely sure whether the spider got away or not but there was no sign of it at the scene."
Ambulance crews treated the man for burns to his arms, legs and face and breathing difficulties and he was taken to the Colchester General Hospital, in Essex, where he was given pain relief and discharged in the early hours of Tuesday morning.
In June last year Simon Elsey, 40, from Rotherham, suffered severe burns after a can of hairspray exploded at his home. The canister had been left on top of a children's fireguard in front of a lit fire in the sitting room. The blast was so powerful it blew out two window panes and the can was found embedded in the ceiling. Mr Elsey had been asleep in the sitting room at the time and firefighters said he was lucky not to be engulfed in flames.
Source:www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7973
024/Man-blows-himself-up-trying-to-kill-a-spider.html
.....and it is obviously that your a foggot.
From: George Lewis
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 6.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: No Subject
I have read your website and it is obviously that your a foggot.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 8.07pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: Re: No Subject
Dear George,
Thank you for your email. While I have no idea what a foggot is, I will assume it is a term of endearment and appreciate you taking time out from calculating launch trajectories or removing temporal lobe tumors to contact me with such. I have attached a signed photo as per your request.
Regards, David.
From: George Lewis
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 8.49pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: No Subject
I didnt ask for a photo fag. and I meant faggot you homo. im not a fan so you can shove your signed photo up your ass. You would probably enjoy that. LOL!!!! Go suck your boyfriends dick in a gay club.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 9.17pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
Dear George,
While I do not have a boyfriend, I do have a friend who is homosexual and I once asked him "Do you ever think about having sex with me because you are gay?" to which he replied "Do you ever think about having sex with Rosie O'Donnell because you are straight? Same thing." If I was inclined to have a boyfriend, I would select one my height and weight to save having to readjust the driver's seat position. I am not interested in doubling my wardrobe as I wear the same outfit everyday to facilitate speedy identification should I ever be in a boating accident.
Although I have never been to a gay club as such, when I was about ten, a friend and I constructed a club house in my backyard using timber stolen from a building site down the street. Our club, which we named 'The Kiss Club' due to a certain band being popular at the time, employed an intensive entry exam in which the applicant had to know all the words to Love Gun and not be a girl. As we had no other friends and knew no girls apart from my sister, this made sense at the time. The next day after school, having managed to recruit several new members by promising laminated membership cards and changing the entry exam to 'knowing the names of the band members', we all rode to my place to partricipate in our first club meeting only to discover my sister, outraged by the 'no girls' rule and armed with four litres of paint left over from a recent bedroom redesign, had painted the clubhouse pink and added 'ing' to the end of the word 'Kiss'.
Also, despite your inference, I have managed, up to this point, to avoid putting most things in my bottom. Primarily due to the possibility that I might enjoy it, get carried away, and move on to watermelons or midsize family autos. When I was about eight, I drew a face on my hand and practiced kissing it, which I will admit is a little gay, and I have often thought there would be advantages to homosexuality such as Abercrombie & Fitch reward points, successful couch fabric selection capabilities and the gift of dance. With or without a top on. This would come in extremely useful if I needed five hundred dollars and saw a poster advertising a dance competition with a first prize of five hundred dollars.
Regards, David.
From: George Lewis
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 9.33pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
If you livd close by gaycunt I would be over your place with five friends tonight.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 10.08pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
Dear George,
I knew we would get along well. We have only known each other for one day and already you are organising a party. I am not sure where Gaycunt is but if I did "livd close by" to it, I would definitely be up for that.
We could all sit outside on banana lounges discussing the best way to rebuild a 4WD transmission and agree, through shared stories of conquests supporting our assertions, that there is no basis to the proposition that those least assured of their persuasions are the first to condemn others for theirs. Although the ideal would be for everyone to be capable of love without fear, restraint, or obligation, clearly this does not apply to homosexuals.
At no time during the night would you comment on how much you liked my Abercrombie & Fitch pants or ask "is that a Marcel Breuer couch? I love the fabric selection" and when we danced, we would all leave our tops on.
Regards, David.
From: George Lewis
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 1.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
no fag I live in Charleston west virginia the best country in the world. I wasnt sying it would be a party. we would smash your fucking skull in and if you are calling me a fag you can get fucked becasue I have a girlfriend.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 1.56pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: Yeehaw y'all
Dear George,
Is she also your sister? I checked out her photos on your Facebook page and while she is not exactly my type, I accept that other people have different preferences. Even when those preferences include facial tattoos and stretch pants constructed from sufficient material to shelter a small village. And their livestock. Some men enjoy dancing with other men without their tops on while others prefer the company of a woman two KFC family buckets away from upsetting the planet's rotational axis.
I read somewhere that Eskimos prefer women of girth as it provides warmth at night. I have seen the size of those igloos though and there is no way your girlfriend would make it through the opening. You could probably just construct one around her and despite the hassle of having to trudge out into the snow every day to catch and prepare the eighty seals required to maintain her mass, it would be like a kiln in there.
If I were an Eskimo, I would build my igloo next to a supermarket or on a tropical beach.
Regards, David.
From: George Lewis
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 2.01pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Yeehaw y'all
She isnt fat you fag. and that she got that tattoo is a teardrop becasue her family is dead.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 2.06pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: Re: Re: Yeehaw y'all
Did she eat them?
From: George Lewis
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 2.32pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Yeehaw y'all
Get fucked fag her family they died in a traffic accident. have some respect. Go put some more gel in your hair and dye it balck like a emo skinny fag. And how can you see my facebook page pictures?
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 3.02pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Yeehaw y'all
Dear George,
Yes, I have heard those motorhomes can be a bitch to steer. Especially around tight corners during a police chase or moonshine run.
I will concede to fifty percent of your description of me as a "skinny fag" being correct. If our bodies are temples, mine would be a heavily shelled Iranian mosque express. To rectify this, I have instigated a fitness and weight training regime. Once a week I carry two heavy garbage bags out to the sidewalk and jog back. As this week was my first session and I did not want to over exert myself, I took the car. Obviously with a few breaks in between to re-hydrate and stretch.
Although hardly an emo, I understand their pain. If I looked in the mirror and saw an anorexic version of Pugsly Adams staring back at me I would probably start cutting myself as well. I will admit to having dyed my hair once though. The product, misrepresented as 'Natural Black' instead of 'Astro Boy black', turned my hair as dark as an adequate simile describing just how black it actually was and stained my forehead and ears purple. In an attempt to blend the colour, I rubbed the remainder of the mixture onto my face, figuring it might look like a tan. I spent the following two weeks telling people that I could not leave the house due to agoraphobia, an illness usually self-diagnosed by the unemployed as an excuse to stay home and masturbate or play Wii.
I have access to your Facebook page due to the friend request you accepted from the Oscar Wilde profile I constructed yesterday. I assumed the name would hold no relevance to you and, consistency being the last refuge of the unimaginative, I typed 'Redneck wearing baseball cap' into google images to locate a photo you would identify and feel comfortable with.
Regards, David.
From: George Lewis
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 4.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Yeehaw y'all
Thats fraud. I will report you to the police and to facebook fag. i would shoot you in the face with my .32 if you were here right now.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 5.19pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: tarded
Dear George,
Yes, I'm fairly certain there is a worldwide criminal investigation network dedicated solely to bringing those who construct fake Facebook profiles to justice. I believe the punishment is tar and feathering in most parts of the world except West Virginia where you are stripped naked, oiled up and chased around a paddock while wearing a pig mask.
Apparently in West Virginia, this is also known as a 'date'. Variations include substituting the paddock with a motorhome or the person with an actual pig. Or in your case, both.
Also, as it is probably far more acceptable for men in West Virginia to hold guns than hands, I will assume the term 'shooting me in the face with your .32' is not a euphemism.
Regards, David.
From: George Lewis
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: tarded
Ive deleted you from my facebook and reported you. i hope you die of aids fag. Dont bothering emailing me again becasue I wont read it.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7.12pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: dneck
Yes you will.
From: George Lewis
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7.16pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: dneck
No I fucking wont fag
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 6.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: No Subject
I have read your website and it is obviously that your a foggot.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 8.07pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: Re: No Subject
Dear George,
Thank you for your email. While I have no idea what a foggot is, I will assume it is a term of endearment and appreciate you taking time out from calculating launch trajectories or removing temporal lobe tumors to contact me with such. I have attached a signed photo as per your request.
Regards, David.
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 8.49pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: No Subject
I didnt ask for a photo fag. and I meant faggot you homo. im not a fan so you can shove your signed photo up your ass. You would probably enjoy that. LOL!!!! Go suck your boyfriends dick in a gay club.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 9.17pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
Dear George,
While I do not have a boyfriend, I do have a friend who is homosexual and I once asked him "Do you ever think about having sex with me because you are gay?" to which he replied "Do you ever think about having sex with Rosie O'Donnell because you are straight? Same thing." If I was inclined to have a boyfriend, I would select one my height and weight to save having to readjust the driver's seat position. I am not interested in doubling my wardrobe as I wear the same outfit everyday to facilitate speedy identification should I ever be in a boating accident.
Although I have never been to a gay club as such, when I was about ten, a friend and I constructed a club house in my backyard using timber stolen from a building site down the street. Our club, which we named 'The Kiss Club' due to a certain band being popular at the time, employed an intensive entry exam in which the applicant had to know all the words to Love Gun and not be a girl. As we had no other friends and knew no girls apart from my sister, this made sense at the time. The next day after school, having managed to recruit several new members by promising laminated membership cards and changing the entry exam to 'knowing the names of the band members', we all rode to my place to partricipate in our first club meeting only to discover my sister, outraged by the 'no girls' rule and armed with four litres of paint left over from a recent bedroom redesign, had painted the clubhouse pink and added 'ing' to the end of the word 'Kiss'.
Also, despite your inference, I have managed, up to this point, to avoid putting most things in my bottom. Primarily due to the possibility that I might enjoy it, get carried away, and move on to watermelons or midsize family autos. When I was about eight, I drew a face on my hand and practiced kissing it, which I will admit is a little gay, and I have often thought there would be advantages to homosexuality such as Abercrombie & Fitch reward points, successful couch fabric selection capabilities and the gift of dance. With or without a top on. This would come in extremely useful if I needed five hundred dollars and saw a poster advertising a dance competition with a first prize of five hundred dollars.
Regards, David.
From: George Lewis
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 9.33pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
If you livd close by gaycunt I would be over your place with five friends tonight.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 2 September 2010 10.08pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
Dear George,
I knew we would get along well. We have only known each other for one day and already you are organising a party. I am not sure where Gaycunt is but if I did "livd close by" to it, I would definitely be up for that.
We could all sit outside on banana lounges discussing the best way to rebuild a 4WD transmission and agree, through shared stories of conquests supporting our assertions, that there is no basis to the proposition that those least assured of their persuasions are the first to condemn others for theirs. Although the ideal would be for everyone to be capable of love without fear, restraint, or obligation, clearly this does not apply to homosexuals.
At no time during the night would you comment on how much you liked my Abercrombie & Fitch pants or ask "is that a Marcel Breuer couch? I love the fabric selection" and when we danced, we would all leave our tops on.
Regards, David.
From: George Lewis
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 1.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
no fag I live in Charleston west virginia the best country in the world. I wasnt sying it would be a party. we would smash your fucking skull in and if you are calling me a fag you can get fucked becasue I have a girlfriend.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 1.56pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: Yeehaw y'all
Dear George,
Is she also your sister? I checked out her photos on your Facebook page and while she is not exactly my type, I accept that other people have different preferences. Even when those preferences include facial tattoos and stretch pants constructed from sufficient material to shelter a small village. And their livestock. Some men enjoy dancing with other men without their tops on while others prefer the company of a woman two KFC family buckets away from upsetting the planet's rotational axis.
I read somewhere that Eskimos prefer women of girth as it provides warmth at night. I have seen the size of those igloos though and there is no way your girlfriend would make it through the opening. You could probably just construct one around her and despite the hassle of having to trudge out into the snow every day to catch and prepare the eighty seals required to maintain her mass, it would be like a kiln in there.
If I were an Eskimo, I would build my igloo next to a supermarket or on a tropical beach.
Regards, David.
From: George Lewis
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 2.01pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Yeehaw y'all
She isnt fat you fag. and that she got that tattoo is a teardrop becasue her family is dead.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 2.06pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: Re: Re: Yeehaw y'all
Did she eat them?
From: George Lewis
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 2.32pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Yeehaw y'all
Get fucked fag her family they died in a traffic accident. have some respect. Go put some more gel in your hair and dye it balck like a emo skinny fag. And how can you see my facebook page pictures?
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 3.02pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Yeehaw y'all
Dear George,
Yes, I have heard those motorhomes can be a bitch to steer. Especially around tight corners during a police chase or moonshine run.
I will concede to fifty percent of your description of me as a "skinny fag" being correct. If our bodies are temples, mine would be a heavily shelled Iranian mosque express. To rectify this, I have instigated a fitness and weight training regime. Once a week I carry two heavy garbage bags out to the sidewalk and jog back. As this week was my first session and I did not want to over exert myself, I took the car. Obviously with a few breaks in between to re-hydrate and stretch.
Although hardly an emo, I understand their pain. If I looked in the mirror and saw an anorexic version of Pugsly Adams staring back at me I would probably start cutting myself as well. I will admit to having dyed my hair once though. The product, misrepresented as 'Natural Black' instead of 'Astro Boy black', turned my hair as dark as an adequate simile describing just how black it actually was and stained my forehead and ears purple. In an attempt to blend the colour, I rubbed the remainder of the mixture onto my face, figuring it might look like a tan. I spent the following two weeks telling people that I could not leave the house due to agoraphobia, an illness usually self-diagnosed by the unemployed as an excuse to stay home and masturbate or play Wii.
I have access to your Facebook page due to the friend request you accepted from the Oscar Wilde profile I constructed yesterday. I assumed the name would hold no relevance to you and, consistency being the last refuge of the unimaginative, I typed 'Redneck wearing baseball cap' into google images to locate a photo you would identify and feel comfortable with.
Regards, David.
From: George Lewis
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 4.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Yeehaw y'all
Thats fraud. I will report you to the police and to facebook fag. i would shoot you in the face with my .32 if you were here right now.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 5.19pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: tarded
Dear George,
Yes, I'm fairly certain there is a worldwide criminal investigation network dedicated solely to bringing those who construct fake Facebook profiles to justice. I believe the punishment is tar and feathering in most parts of the world except West Virginia where you are stripped naked, oiled up and chased around a paddock while wearing a pig mask.
Apparently in West Virginia, this is also known as a 'date'. Variations include substituting the paddock with a motorhome or the person with an actual pig. Or in your case, both.
Also, as it is probably far more acceptable for men in West Virginia to hold guns than hands, I will assume the term 'shooting me in the face with your .32' is not a euphemism.
Regards, David.
From: George Lewis
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: tarded
Ive deleted you from my facebook and reported you. i hope you die of aids fag. Dont bothering emailing me again becasue I wont read it.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7.12pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: dneck
Yes you will.
From: George Lewis
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7.16pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: dneck
No I fucking wont fag
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